Holidays like birthdays, anniversaries and Valentine’s Day come with high expectations. And sometimes, despite the best intentions, things don’t go as planned. Whether it’s a forgotten reservation, a misread gesture or a moment that simply falls flat, missing the mark can create tension in even the strongest relationships.
Josh Bentley, associate professor and director of graduate studies
Josh Bentley, associate professor and director of graduate studies in strategic communication, said that in these moments, it’s not the mistake itself, but rather how we respond to it. He took time to expand on this and offer insight into the role of apologies in a relationship.
What are the most common mistakes people make when apologizing in relationships?
There are three primary ways we mess up our apologies:
First, we make excuses. We might say, “I’m sorry but I’ve just been so busy!” That makes it seem like we are not taking full responsibility for what we did.
Second, we make our apologies conditional. We say things like, “I’m sorry if I hurt you,” which implies maybe we didn’t do anything very bad. There is an even worse version of this mistake. Sometimes we say, “I’m sorry you are upset,” suggesting that the other person is just too sensitive.
Third, we use the right words, but we don’t follow up with the right actions. Telling someone how sorry we are is a good start, but, if possible, we should also try to make amends. Making amends requires us to understand why the other person was hurt and do something tangible to show we really care about them. Sometimes it also involves making changes in our own lives to keep from repeating our offense.
How can you say “I’m sorry” in a way that feels genuine and repairs trust?
“I’m sorry” is fine, especially for minor offenses. However, when we cause serious hurt, there are more impactful ways to apologize. Saying “I was wrong” or “please forgive me” is more powerful than just saying “sorry.” That’s because those statements force us to humble ourselves. Nobody likes to be humbled, so when we are willing to humble ourselves, it shows how much we care about repairing the relationship.
It also helps to be specific about what we did wrong. It validates the other person’s feelings and shows that we are ready to change. For example, instead of saying, “I’m sorry we didn’t go where you wanted for Valentine’s Day,” it’s stronger to say, “I’m sorry I didn’t listen better when you were talking about where you wanted to go.”
When is the right moment to apologize so it feels sincere?
It’s usually good to apologize right away as soon as we recognize we did something wrong. However, if the other person is really upset, we must let them process their pain. Pressuring them to forgive us right away is selfish. If they need to talk about their hurt and anger, we should listen and try not to be defensive. If they need to be alone, we should usually give them space, but make sure we are available as soon as they want to talk.
Even if our apologies are not perfect, it’s still important to try. When we are truly sorry, it comes through in our words, our facial expressions and our body language. It shows we care, and sometimes that’s what the other person needs from us most.